Depression: How can I help? 💙

In 2007, it was thought that 1 in 4 people in England experience a mental health problem (McManus, Meltzer, Brugha, Bebbington, & Jenkins, 2009). According to healthline.com, 350 million people across the world suffer with depression (Pietrangelo, 2015). Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s A LOT of people. Not to mention the undiagnosed issues that aren’t even counted in those stats. Considering that depression is possibly one of the loneliest and most isolating illnesses to have, it’s strange to think that the numbers suggest otherwise. Despite statistics like that, it’s almost impossible to feel like you’re not the only one.

I’m no stranger to mental health problems. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in December 2017, having struggled with anxiety, on and off since 2013. Depression and anxiety tend to come in a fun little package, so I guess it’s rare not to have one without the other. My depression was due to a few things- both my anxiety and the pressures I felt environmentally, plus the chemicals in my brain being unbalanced.  Those things, on top of everyday stresses that we all experience, meant life didn’t feel very kind to me during this time. Because I was ill, I had to stop what I was doing in order to get better. I was signed off from the PGCE I was training for and moved home before deciding to leave the course altogether. Having been so convinced that I would kick adulthood in the butt, and that I would always be independent after uni, I had to move back in with my parents and essentially be looked after. It was literally the most humiliating feeling. However, I’m writing this, having seen how far I’ve progressed since then.

I was inspired to write about this by a wonderful friend of mine from uni.  After hearing about my illness, she said to me that she wanted to help, but openly admitted that she had no idea what depression feels like. She didn’t want to pretend to know, she just wanted to be educated so she could be there for me in a way that might have an impact. As ridiculous as that sounds, it was one of the most encouraging things she could have said. As someone with a background studying psychology AND a mental health condition of my own, I kind of forget that some people don’t know much about it at all! And that’s ok! If you don’t really know how to relate to someone with depression or anxiety, you feel helpless when it comes to supporting them. It’s frustrating and it’s scary, and even I still feel like this when supporting those I love.

SO, this leads me to my first ever post (hooray!). Depression obviously isn’t the cheeriest of topics but it’s so important to talk about! I thought I’d just give you a few things that I found it was helpful for my friends to know when I was at my lowest point. Obviously, this is personal, and what helped me might not do for others. I think everyone has their own experience of depression, so some might totally disagree with my points. But, if you’re a bit clueless and want to see how you could be little bit of support for someone you know, then here are 7 insights you might find helpful:

Don’t be Scared of Depression!

Mental health is a serious topic, and you might feel a slight sense of panic if someone tells you that they’re clinically depressed. That’s normal and it’s ok to be concerned! It’s scary because depression can make people think and do really awful things, including self -harm and suicide. Of course you’re going to be worried if you think this is the case with someone you know! Yes it’s daunting, but they’re still the same person, and depression can be treated. For some people, depression comes in brief episodes. For others it’s a little more long term. BUT depression doesn’t last forever or can at least become more manageable. Don’t be scared to talk about it with whoever’s experiencing it, because ultimately, they’re the ones who can tell you how you can best support them.

It’s Not You!

This is something I have to constantly remind myself when talking to friends with depression! On some days, you’re sad and you don’t know why. That’s all part of it - no explanation or particular cause, you’re just upset and it’s difficult to shake. Ordinarily if someone is very quiet with you, doesn’t smile or react to your conversation - you’d assume they’re annoyed with you. But a huge aspect of depression is losing interest in everything - even the things that make you happiest. It can also make you really irritable, snappy or impatient. It’s easy to confuse these symptoms with someone having a personal problem with you but try not to worry too much about it! By all means, ask them: “Is everything ok, have I done anything to upset you?”- but once is enough. If they say no and you’re not convinced, wait to see how they are once the episode has passed and then you might have a better understanding. Also, having depression already makes you feel bad about yourself, especially when your lack of energy makes social interactions totally exhausting. You feel like you’re the token party pooper and ruining everyone’s fun - so being continually asked why you have a problem with someone is more likely to make you feel worse.

There’s No Quick Fix

If something breaks, you fix it. If you’re hungry you eat, you’re tired, you sleep. When someone’s sad, you generally try to make them feel happy and cheer them up. But how do you ‘fix’ someone feeling depressed? The simple answer is you can’t, particularly if they’re in a bad frame of mind. This is really hard because your natural instinct will be to try and find a solution, and seeing them in a bad state is understandably tough to watch. I’ve found with some of my friends, if they’re having a low day, sometimes it’s best to leave them, but let them know that you’re not far away if they need you. Some people just need time to get some of the unexplained sadness out of their system. The thing I struggle with is not knowing what somebody will do if you leave them in that state, so it’s kind of a tricky one. But, basically just bare in mind that dealing with or recovering from depression is a gradual process and you might need to take a step back sometimes.

Be Patient

Whoever it is, give them time. Don’t pressure them to get better or get frustrated with them if they don’t respond to your attempts of ‘cheering them up’. When I was really bad, I knew that I wasn’t fun to be around. I would barely talk and really struggled to keep a conversation going. That in itself makes you feel really guilty, because you feel like you can’t be there for friends as much as they are for you. I could barely look after myself, let alone support others during that time. If someone had made it clear to me that they were becoming impatient with my mental health, it would have totally confirmed how useless I felt as a person. But I’m incredibly thankful that so many wonderful people just waited. Now they can really see the change in me, even though it’s gradual. They’re also the people I will always be there for to return the favour when they need me.

Be Encouraging

Ok - so this may contradict my point about being patient, but also try and get some kind of balance. Sometimes yes, you do have to leave people to deal with how they’re feeling and not crowd them. But other times, you might need to be the one to initiate conversations, seeing them or meeting up. Start with something small that doesn’t feel like too much effort for them, like asking to go for a walk or chatting on the phone for 10 minutes. Sometimes it may feel like you’re making all the effort - but it makes such a difference to know that someone’s thinking about you! This may not be the case for everyone, but I probably wouldn’t have done anything unless I was encouraged by other people. Doing little things slowly pushed me a step at a time, until I felt I could do all the things I used to again. My parents were great at doing this if I hadn’t been out the house in a while, particularly my Dad who’d take me on walks, to the gym or even just for 1 drink at our local pub. These small bits of encouragement slowly built me up to feeling a little more human again over time.

Be There

Relating back to the last point, being aware that someone is there for you can make all the difference. Just simply dropping them a message to say that you hope they’re having a good day is enough. When I’ve been depressed, I don’t feel worth anything. I don’t even like myself, so I genuinely struggle to see why anyone else would either. So, knowing someone has chosen to take time to talk to you is actually really nice. Also, just being there might mean not doing anything exciting. The same uni friend I mentioned earlier was in contact with my mum as soon as I moved home to check if I was ok, and to see whether she could come and surprise me from Manchester (I know, she’s a total keeper). I wanted to see her but I wasn’t up for doing anything, which would have felt like such a waste of money for her. I wanted her to physically be here, but just watch a film under a blanket and not have to chat. Sometimes that person may just want some physical company, and no pressure to be exciting or interesting for a while!

Listen

Without sounding condescending, it’s almost impossible to know how depression feels unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Even then, everyone’s experiences are different. Just because I have depression doesn’t mean I know exactly how someone else might experience it. The most valuable thing I found was when my friends and family would simply ask me what would help me day to day. If the person you know chooses to talk to you about how they’re feeling, just listen. It takes a lot of courage for whoever it is to share the kind of thoughts depression gives you, because a lot of the time they sound totally crazy when you say them out loud. Listen to how they’re feeling and let them know there’s no reason to feel ashamed. Even if you don’t know how it feels, reassure them that you respect they feel that way, and know it has a huge impact on them. By knowing what upsets them and why, over time you’ll know how it’s best to support them. It also enables you to have an open dialogue about depression, because it shouldn’t be a taboo subject!

So those are my tips for anyone who’s a little anxious to dabble into the world of depression, particularly if you want to be there for someone who’s experiencing it! If you want to know a little bit more about it, beyond my personal opinions, you might want to check out these websites:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WuUTP4jwY2w https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/

Oh, and one final thing for any of you who are familiar with the feelings I’ve mentioned: Things WILL get better, even if they’re not perfect. Depression doesn’t make you any less of a wonderful person, particularly to those that love you.

(This first post is dedicated to my unbelievably supportive Mum and Dad, who’ve been the centre of my recovery so far! And to the wonderful Meg Connolly, who inspired this article!)

References:

McManus, S., Meltzer, H., Brugha, T.S., Bebbington, P.E, & Jenkins, R. (2009). Adult Psychiatric Morbidity in England, 2007: Results of a Household Survey. The NHS information centre for health and social care. Retrieved from: https://digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/adult-psychiatric-morbidity-survey/adult-psychiatric-morbidity-in-england-2007-results-of-a-household-survey

Pietrangelo, A. (2015). Depression and Mental Health by the Numbers: Facts, Statistics, and You. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/facts-statistics-infographic#1