Being positively single (when you hate being single...) 💔

Fizz Barnardo
Aug 18, 2020
9 min read

The day I began writing this post, I’d been single for 11 days. I was going through the obvious motions; eating my weight in chocolate biscuits and crying over seemingly unrelated things including: the camping table I’d just bought and no longer need, an unwanted carton of custard in my cupboard and the fact that Love is Blind keeps being recommended to me on Netflix. Overall, I’m being my typical dramatic self – even after 3 months.

What makes my new single life even more special, is the fact that it has begun in the midst of a global pandemic. Ordinarily I would have distracted myself with friends, received copious amounts of hugs and visited pubs to drown my sorrows. However, the world has decided that I should not only be single, but totally alone.

As a Christian, I’ve always found singleness a tricky topic. It’s very normal at 24 to be single, but I have a lot of friends who are engaged, married and even having babies. I’m so excited for each and every one of them, but I can’t help but feel I’m a million steps behind. Even for my non-Christian friends, a lot of them are in serious relationships, living with their partners and planning their lives together. It’s also pretty ironic that all of those who tell me how valuable singleness is are usually married.

The question is, how on earth do I learn to adapt to single life when the world hasn’t exactly been normal over the past few months? As somebody who never takes their own advice, I’ve reached out to some of my closest friends and asked them how they embrace/ have previously embraced single life. I’ve always considered being single in my own life to be a sign of failure, but I have never once looked at any of my friends and thought of them in that way.

So, for anyone who needs it (or is just curious), here are some tips and things I’ve learnt about navigating a breakup and learning to view single life in a more positive light.

(**Disclaimer – These tips may make me appear very wise but I’m very much still learning/a total mess. I don’t find any of this easy, but writing is part of the healing process for me):

Surround yourself with good eggs

This wasn't that simple during lockdown but now things have eased up I make sure to spend as much time with my friends as possible. Sometimes breakups make you feel like you’ve lost the most important person in your life, but the reality is I have friends who’ve put up with my nonsense way before any of my previous boyfriends existed in my life. In fact, lockdown helped me reconnect with so many people, whether that’s over Zoom or making time to meet up at a social distance.

Now, I feel very comfortable sharing my emotions with my friends and that’s been an absolute blessing. I’ve also coincidentally found myself drawn to friends who have recently become single too, so we can empathise with one another and act as emotional cheerleaders (this includes drinking wine and using phrases like “YAS girl”, “Nah, you shouldn’t have to put up with that” and “You’re a definite 11/10”.

But for guys, that type of relationship is stereotypically uncommon (even though it shouldn’t be)! Even if you don’t want to verbally gush over your friends or talk about your feelings, spending time with people who know and love you is always a great way to remind yourself that you’re appreciated regardless of your relationship status.

Different friends can also provide different kinds of support – for example my male friends are a lot more practical and will tend to help me by planning something fun to do to boost my mood; whilst if I’m looking for a free group therapy session with sympathy, chocolate and the space to cry, I give the gals a ring.

Reinvest your energy

My love language is gift giving. I show love often through little acts of kindness. My ex was different because he would make grand gestures but not as frequently. We’re all different and at the end of the day, it’s just really nice to be able to show somebody that you care about them, whatever that looks like. This doesn’t always have to be a physical gift, rather it could be things like writing a motivational note if someone’s struggling, making breakfast in bed or surprising them if you haven’t seen them in a while. I like being in a relationship because I feel that I’m good at this sort of thing, and I like making that one important person feel loved and special.

When I became single I had no idea where to put that energy, so decided to invest it in crying and being a bit of a sad loser (classic Fizz). BUT, being single doesn’t mean you should stop showing love – you just have to show it to different people. So as I’d saved a bit of money by working from home, I decided to take all the love I had for my ex and spread it amongst the others in my life. I ended up sending around 12 care packages by post to friends across the country, just to remind them that they’re loved and wonderful humans. This makes me sound like an absolute saint, but tbh it came from a totally selfish place, because it was as much for me as it was for them!

You might show love in a different way, but the main point is that you can invest the energy you put into a previous relationship into something else, whether that’s a new hobby, helping the community or just showing your mates that you appreciate them! Breakups take a lot out of you, but instead of robbing yourself of the good qualities you displayed within a relationship, there’s nothing stopping you from using those qualities in another capacity!

Make some (reasonable) changes

I’ll admit, I’m still learning the difference between good and bad changes, but I’m making them nevertheless. Breakups force you to make general lifestyle changes because you’re literally learning to function without somebody who was really important to you. Having a say over the changes you make is another great way of reinvesting your energy.

One of my friends told me to NEVER change the colour of your hair dramatically during a breakup. What did I do? I dyed my hair ginger and got a fringe for the first time since I was 7! Thankfully this has worked out ok for me, but I think I’m going to leave my hair alone now before I make some truly awful decisions. During my last breakup, I regularly started going to the gym – I was being productive, healthy and it made me feel really good. This time it’s a little trickier with lockdown (that’s my excuse anyway), but I’ve (sort of) taken up running and I’m making time for daily exercise and workouts. Some of my friends cut out alcohol, whilst others started their own businesses and learnt new skills.

When making a change, there are a few things to consider:

Any change you make should be only for YOU! It shouldn’t be for anyone else, especially your previous partner as an attempt to make them jealous. Honestly, it totally defeats the point and you’ll never feel fully satisfied.
Don’t just choose artificial changes – ok so my hair is a good example. Yes, it’s been nice to have a fresh look, but there’s only so much a haircut can do for a person – it doesn’t make any real, lasting change.
Not all change is good! Changing your lifestyle in ways like this definitely won’t help you: Deciding alcohol is a breakfast time beverage, getting over someone by ‘getting under someone’, eating your feelings (currently working on this one….), growing a moustache (I’m sorry lads but it never looks good).

Appreciate other relationships

As I said earlier, I’m surrounded by happy couples in my life. Both my brothers (including my twin) were married at 23 and my Mum married my Dad at 21, having dated him since she was 17. This cannot be more different from my life - I sometimes eat pizza for breakfast and find dishwashers very confusing – I’ve got to sort my life out.

For a long time, I was very envious of my friends and family who seemed to have found THE ONE. As much as I love my brothers – I remember feeling like I was the only normal one, so wondering why on earth was I the one left on the shelf? I’ve been through phases of my life where I haven’t allowed myself to be as happy as I should be for other couples because they appear to have everything I don’t.

However something I’ve found so helpful this time round, is learning to really appreciate the great couples in my life. Take my parents for example – I don’t want to brag but they are absolute GOALS. They’ve been married for 32 years and I can safely say that they are best friends and still very much in love. They bicker as couples do (mostly over how to stack the dishwasher) and they never claim to be perfect, but they just work so well as a team! They both lean on each other and their faith to get through tricky times and have the same priorities in life. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better example than them – although it also means my standards are pretty high if I want my future to look anything like their life.

I also find so much joy in seeing my friends in happy, healthy relationships with people who love them unconditionally. I have so many friends who seem to have found absolute gems – people who are proud to have them on their arm and would do anything for them. Why is this helpful? It gives me a lot of hope.

It means I have proof that wonderful, good men exist (even if they seem rare sometimes) and it means something better might come my way with time. Some of my friends had to kiss a few frogs along the way, but now I can see that waiting is definitely worth it! I also can’t describe how happy I am to see my friends and family with people who love and appreciate them. I mean, I’m totally obsessed with my friends – I have extremely good taste and I firmly believe that they all deserve the absolute WORLD! Seeing them with someone who sees how amazing I think they are is honestly one of the best feelings in the world.

Know your worth

It’s tricky in a breakup to remember how valuable you are and will be again to somebody in the future. But I honestly can’t tell you how much easier single life has got for me since I’ve started cutting myself a bit of slack!

Honestly, after a couple of glasses of wine at the pub with the girls, I’ve found myself jokingly saying things like: “I’m actually an absolute catch”, “I’m bloody charming” and “Honestly, I’m a hoot”. Although boisterous, there’s nothing wrong with believing those things about yourself from time to time. Occasionally just appreciating yourself honestly does wonders for your confidence, I promise you! And in the famous words of the fabulous RuPaul Charles: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”

But following on from the last point, looking at the amazing couples in my life has helped me too. It’s allowed me to recognise how a healthy relationship should look and what I deserve. They’re all real people with flaws, but such good examples to me. This has made it so much easier for me to recognise the qualities I would like, and those that wouldn’t work for me in my future partner. If you know your worth, you know exactly what you deserve and the things you shouldn’t have to compromise.

It may sound like I know exactly what I’m talking about, but the reality is I have good days and bad days when it comes to my love life. The tips above are literally just things that I think are worth thinking about and have made adapting to single life a little bit easier for me.

I also appreciate that as everyone is different, so are their break-ups. I’ve found it easier to be a bit more optimistic because my ex and I came to a mutual agreement and I’ve felt very respected throughout the process. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case, particularly if there’s been some kind of deceit or poor treatment involved. Depending on how hurt you’re feeling, some of the things I’ve said will come a little more naturally to you or take more time.

I think if there’s one thing to take away from this, it’s that you are still valued and loved regardless of your relationship status. There is literally nothing wrong with wanting a partner and longing for marriage, babies and a house in the country (if that’s what you’re into), but you shouldn’t just seek somebody out to tick those boxes. I believe that it’s far better to be single than with a person who doesn’t allow you to be the best version of yourself, so if you’re not in a relationship right now – take it as an opportunity to put yourself first and remember how fabulous you are!

Yours honestly,

Fizz xx